Midway through a Miscarriage

It's interesting when you're hit with news that what you thought was going to be the trajectory of your life is no longer in existence. You have such a love with this beautiful feeling of not only feeling the possibility of the experience come to life, but the changes that it produces inside of you. So when you're left looking at what actually is the reality of all of the dreams you have come crashing down, you're left with a funny human pain that registers as a sharp hit of emotions.

The 19th of February, when I went to the bathroom, I remember reaching for a pregnancy test just to "try it out" from feeling symptoms that don't accompany my period, while being a little late in my cycle. My boyfriend and I had just caught Covid-19 and were laying low for the next few days. Once I stood up, I looked at the test-which read positive-and had to look at it again. I looked at the pregnancy box to see "Positive" on the test for the advertisement and compared it to the "Positive" that was on my test. I didn't know what to think, I didn't know how to feel and my legs felt like they turned to jello as I opened the door and crawled into bed alongside my partner who laid asleep. I immediately started kissing him all over his face until he stirred with a smile.

"What's up, baby?" he mumbled, still not wanting to open his eyes yet. I started giggling and kept on kissing him till his eyelashes fluttered open. "What? Did you win the lottery or something?" A big toothy grin on his face while he looked at my eyes.

"No but you may have," I giggled.

He kissed me and asked, "What? Are you pregnant?" I just started laughing and crying, beaming from ear to ear. As the news registered, his eyes widened and started to kiss me while his arms wrapped around me.

We decided not to tell anyone yet, until we were sure that there was something to tell. But with each day, immediately grabbing a book at the Library to read up on pregnancy and what to expect and grabbing a prenatal multi and getting an app to track everything and taking four more tests to make sure that what I read was true, I started to feel an excitement as I readied my body to accept a little gift of light from the universe. Waking up with a morning sickness and feeling my body start to experience some changes was so exciting and such a blessing. I remember waking up and reading our "Love is patient, love is kind..." verse while opening up to the same exact passage in our King James bible. I felt so giddy and excited starting to think about all the possibilities and gifts that were going to come to our little growing family.

Thursday March 14th, we invited my parents out to dinner and told them our news. I honestly think it was so nervous for both of us but filled quickly with support, love and humor. My dad just said, "wow" and my mom said "it will be hard moving forward [with everything that's going on in your lives right now] but you will figure it out". It was such a beautiful gift to share, and to think of all the changes our family was going to have and how our family is growing.

The next day, after a pilates class, I was on the phone with my mom as she was driving up to go see my brother who just recently moved and then on her way to go see a girl friend she was getting together with over the weekend. "Hi, call if you want. I'm on the road" she texted. We ended up having a forty-minute conversation about last night's dinner, all the changes going on, what she's doing for the weekend, and any sweet sentiments and advice she has. When I opened the bathroom door still on the phone with her, sitting down I realized I was bleeding. Not enough to be super concerned but brown spotting and discharge was on a sheet after I wiped. I straightened up and told her I had to go and call the doctor.

I got through to a nurse and after playing phone tag, she told me that sometimes this happens and can be completely normal. There's nothing to worry about unless the pad is soaked and there is immense pain. She changed my appointment to come in after the weekend on that Monday. Though the next evening, I was hurting so bad and feeling a combination of nausea and faintness that my boyfriend rushed me to the ER. We got in and immediately, I knew something was off.

The pain I felt like light cramping turned towards my rectal area and radiated into my low back. The bleeding continued, looking more like blood and getting into the water this time instead of just on the pad. The tests they did showed only so much and would just be used in comparison when my OB-GYN looked at me on Monday since they didn't have an ultrasound over the weekends.

The next day, I took it easy, really just laying on the couch all day as if I was sick. I still continued to take my prenatal vitamins and eat healthy, though carbs like bread and cookies sounded good and like a good way to numb out for a little bit. Instead, I watched TV, made healthy food, and hung out. I felt so lazy and towards the evening, my cramping got worse. When I went to the bathroom, I saw a

...I'm picking this up 10 days away from a year reminder of when my now soon-to-be-husband and I would have received the news that we were to expect a light in this world.

It still hits me every now and then the loss that I went through, faint heart aches and mourning that lead to a body that could not survive the first trimester. The day when I pulled out a heap of blood and tissue that would signify the loss of what would have been our child. And the memory comes rushing back, with more of a dull sensation of emotions.

It was definitely hard when I got the news confirming that we had lost the fetus. I remember Husam meeting up with me at the doctor's and being on his phone the whole time as I waited for what seemed like an eternity to have an ultrasound conducted. When we went in, I remember the technician saying that she didn't see anything but that the Doctor would go over everything. My heart raced and I looked at Husam who was still on his phone.

The Doctor was pleasant and sat us down to say that yes, we had miscarried and that I would be having my hormones tested to make sure that my HCG levels would go down. My heart felt heavy and I felt tears in my eyes. I remember the woman testing me yelling at Husam to be present with me right now. And when we left the office, my heart broke at the realization that my miracle wasn't with us anymore.

I yelled at Husam, pissed that he was on his phone the whole time and told him that I was going home. I remember my sister calling and me breaking into tears at having to relay the information yet again that no, we lost the baby. Her voice broke and said, "Annie, I'm here if you need anything..."

When I was home, I knew that I needed to cry. I needed to feel the loss and the heart break and the anger and the unfairness and the mourning and the sickness that accompanied this reality. For if I didn't feel it, if I didn't honor that moment of being human and just busied myself with the day, delaying the storm, I would forever be haunted by not closing the circuit of that experience.

And so I mourned...

I went outside, stumbling in the trail behind our apartment, wanting to be in nature as I cried and screamed and cursed and broke. It wasn't fair, none of it was, and I couldn't make sense of it, feeling like I had done something wrong; that it was on me that our baby wasn't here and couldn't make it into it's second trimester. And through tears, I looked up at the sky and moved to my heart. "This just wasn't the right time," something whispered. "When the time is right, when this soul is ready to be born, God will deliver them to you."

I keep that prayer at the center of my heart every day.

So much has changed even in a year where I see how all my experiences lead to more doors being opened to help and understand why life takes the course that it does. Currently, I am sitting at our dining room table writing this, ready for my heart to soar and being back from my trip to India that was the adventure from the 2nd of January to the 17th when I returned home. My heart opened, my course centered on family and what I want the direction of our lives to go, and getting ready for a wedding 160 days from now; I can honestly say how blessed I am to have gone through all that heart break last year, not really wanting to revisit it until now.

I don't know what the future holds, and I decided to stop holding on so rigidly to beliefs as to "how life should go or should look like"-and instead will take each day as a continued blessing to love as much as I can, to give all that I have and to enjoy every last minute until I close my eyes having said "I love you" to each being in my home and cuddling into Husam's warm embrace. If and when that day does come, I am so much more grateful to have gone through a miscarriage, to understand what a blessing and an honor it is to love someone so much that you haven't even met yet.