Midnight Magic

It is currently 2:00 in the morning on a Thursday. I couldn't sleep, and be it from a late desert from the evening or the excitement of a show that my (now) husband and I have been indulging in or simply because we are back from Hawaii after 2 weeks of a whirlwind Henna Party, Wedding and Honeymoon; I'm not sure. It could also be possible that being 9 weeks pregnant could play a role, where not only my appetite and my mood swings have been all over the place, but my sleep as well. (And it's a very comforting feeling as you meander through your home when so late out and the only lights that are on are the outside ones that help to lightly illuminate your rooms.)

It's such a special and magical time, early into a marriage-that my husband has said that he's waited 12 years for- and just starting our lives out in a new milestone together. Husam and I have never been here before, me taking his last name-though hyphenating my former as to not forget where I came from-and joining in union with him, has somehow transformed my perspective. No longer am I apart of my father's clan, though always part of his legacy, it is now my husband and I together, taking his last name and creating something of a foundation within each other. Now if you ask him, I wouldn't be surprised if he had only a slight inclination to the same feelings I am experiencing-though sometimes his "Engineer Mindset" shuts off and he shifts into this old soul romantic which never ceases to surprise me.

As I sit at my desk, legs spread to allow for relaxation of my hips and pelvic muscles, alongside a straight back to prevent low back soreness, I am thrilled with feeling more connected to this miracle that is being performed inside of me. It feels like he's sticking, like he's found comfort already inside of me and is evolving with me, trusting my body to take care of him. And the first thought that I had after seeing a POSITIVE typed up on the little electric pregnancy test was, "I trust my body." I trust that there is a pull towards innate wisdom that once tapped into can transform any women's experience going through pregnancy, delivery and raising her family. It's an inner strength that comes both from something much higher than myself but also much deeper in the family lineage born of the mothers' experiences.

There are a few things that I need to tend to on the reality and paper side, working with my doctors and finding someone in my network that can help me during this 9 month transition. I have connected quite coincidentally with a doula in my town and I will reach out to her to see if she's taking new clients and what working alongside a doula looks like. Part of me is praying that I find the right people to be a part of my team. I've never been good at sports, and being a child who steered more towards reading and writing instead of socializing on the playground or going to parties, the "team" part is what I find to be a major challenge. But I must be an advocate for myself and for our future child, embracing the journey from being a young lady to now a woman. (As I type these words, the train that runs through our town just released a cry as if on the same page as me in being bound to move forward, no matter the speed. I am ready). The right people will be there along my journey to help, I have no doubt.

And it is a journey. I am so blessed to be where I am, and every day I am so grateful, no matter the triumph or challenge. I can do this. And the tools I learn in this chapter will no doubt lend themselves as pockets of wisdom later in life. I trust that the Universe and God have my best interest at heart, I will surrender and allow whatever to come, come.