Embracing Challenge through Transformation

I sit here now at 35 weeks pregnant, and understanding that where my mind was, where it has been and where it is now has been somewhat of a roller coaster ride.

To be honest, this pregnancy has not been easy-physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially. While I still believe that pregnancy is beautiful and should be revered as the highest form of love and godliness that can exist here on this Earth- drawing an intentional line of creation for a soul to enter from the result of love and life- it is not without it's hardships, as I'm sure many mother's will attest to. It changes everything; from the life you were leading before, to the pressure that builds in your growing body and can make already restless nights fill up with pain or numbness. And having grace is the most blessed gift I feel a new mother can give herself because this experience is not for the faint of heart. In a way it serves as the leaving and shedding of the old identity to welcome a beating heart that joins your own in this new not yet shaped identity.

I found myself in a deeply depressed state yesterday, one that has been a quiet companion throughout since the second trimester. This guest is one that whispers of past failures and anxieties that "you will be inadequate as a mother because of these fallings". The pain that comes from the physical is one that can feel as if it will last forever, and for so much change to take place in the course of 9 months it's not something to go unnoticed or unappreciated, it can seem as though it's further proof that "you're not good enough". It clouds the rose colored image of pregnancy, breaking the frames, and leaves you wondering if this mental state is permanent and if it will seep into your family that you and your partner have worked so hard to create.

And my husband has been as supportive as he can be. Naturally he is a man who wants to fix a problem, but the reality that there are things beyond our understanding can come later for men when they see the mother of their child go through something neither of them have much control over. Leaning in to faith has been paramount to us both- so excited for our little one and the expansion of our growing family, but also realizing that we need some shepherding ourselves as we navigate this new and rapidly evolving terrain. And as supportive of friends and family that we have, our communities, this is a very intimate milestone we are undergoing as newly weds and as "man and woman".

It's been hard, and that is not something I love to admit. Nor do I want that to draw away from my overwhelming love and excitement for our son, my gratitude and thanks to the Lord that Husam and I are at this point together, nor do I want to see it exclusively as a sign of weakness. I believe and put trust that I am looked after, that my higher self and the Highest Self, is looking out over both me and my baby. Giving me insight and intuition how to care for my being and that of my growing baby. That the ancient teachings I've heard and read about from women that came before me are true in their testament of strength and conviction and love that comes from holding, birthing, and rearing their children. And that this is a miracle, possibly the biggest miracle, of witnessing the spiritual becoming part of the material in a way that many years ago, I wasn't even able to wrap my head around.

But my heart has shifted so much to understand what women go through. The quiet strength they carry and the challenges they have to overcome each day. This does not mean all mother's go through this experience of leaning in to discomfort or pain during the three trimesters before birth, some even mention that these 9 months have been the best they've ever felt which is amazing, but I think going through these emotional and physical challenges in pregnancy can help us better intentionally think about the birth that we want for our babies and that we are all just trying our best. The humility this gives me towards understanding and appreciating women, and great families, has been one of the biggest lessons throughout my journey.

Just like with any of creation here on this Earth, the transformation and evolution this journey will take you on is already written. There is love and peace and strength that comes from harder experiences one lives through, and a deeper surrendering that takes place as acceptance and gratitude are the focal point. Life isn't intended to be easy, honestly I don't feel it would be as worthwhile in the end if we just lived an easy life, but it's about finding yourself through the harder times and working towards the life that you envision.